Midway through director Justin Lin's magnum opus, Fast and Furious, I sat back in my seat and began contemplating my existence.
Was I living the life I was meant to be living? Am I fulfilling the potential that I was meant to fulfill?
That's the kind of deep thought one finds themselves in as they absorb every Vin Diesel arm-cross, every Paul Walker one-liner, and every time something cringe-inducingly awful happens in this motion picture.
Having not seen much of the first three films in the franchise (I do have integrity), I went into the film with fresh eyes. Eyes that were completely glazed over just five minutes into the movie, this after a predictably preposterous opening action sequence involving an iguana, Michelle Rodgriguez jumping on cars, and a CG truck that explodes somewhere around 32 times. All while Vin Diesel does his best Vin Diesel impression.
Honestly, anyone expecting the new Fast and Furious to be anything radically different from the previous installments need to check their lofty expectations at the door.
Shit explodes. Vin Diesel does something hilariously badass. A half-naked woman walks across the screen. More explosions. More hoes. Credits.
If you picture this movie in your head, based on what you've seen of the previous movies.....well, then you've already seen this movie.
Now, this isn't to say that there isn't fun to be had in sitting through Fast and Furious. The film is an undeniable slice of pure, melted cheese. Though, at times, you wish the filmmakers would stop trying to take the action and situations seriously and just give in to the fact that this movie is completely fucking retarded. The plot (and yes, there is one) is so contrived, that I can't imagine a proper script being written for this film.
In fact, if I had to take a guess, the screenplay for Fast and Furious had to look a little something like this:
INT. CAR GARAGE - DAY
Dominic Toretto enters, arms crossed. He looks left. He looks right. He smirks.
[Insert something badass]
Dominic exits.
In regards to the acting, I have to give Vin Diesel a lot of credit. The guy just oozes charisma. So much so, that you'd be hard pressed not to burst into laughter every single time he enters the frame. This is, of course, because nearly every single time he enters said frame, he's in some ridiculous ass pose that makes him look like he's shooting promotional photos for a firefighter calendar.
Paul Walker....god bless the guy. He tries. He really does. And while he has his moments, his level of badassness is just dwarfed by Diesel's. His character is now working at the FBI, right alonside Detective Ramirez from The Dark Knight. Guess she got a transfer/promotion after fucking up Harvey Dent's day.
Oh, by the way. Spoiler alert: cars explode.
Jordana Brewster is back as Diesel's sister. She says a few lines, looks hot, then gets the fuck out the way. Paycheck earned.
And as for Michelle Rodriguez....let's just say she isn't in the film long enough to warrant a comment.
Now with all that being said, you're probably wondering if the action still delivers the goods.
And, to a degree, yes. Fast and Furious delivers the over-the-top shenanigans you've come to expect from the series. It's fast. And it's furious.
There's plenty of car-centric techno babble for gearheads to masturbate to. Shit gets destroyed. Car crash. Car crash. Loud noises. Screeeeeeeeecccccch! Explosion! "Oh shit!" Explosion! And.....repeat.
The scenes are still hyperkinetic and technically exhausting, but again, there's nothing new. Nothing that will wet the whistle of a genuine action nut. But then again, there's nothing in this film that will capture the imagination of anyone with half a brain.
I'm sure the film will slay the box office. Diesel and Walker do indeed make a terrificly alluring pair, and the film is unadulterated entertainment. It's just fascinating that Universal removed the word "the" in the title to differentiate between this film and the first. In reality, they're the same damn movie.
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